I have an autistic son who is now 30 years old.  His illness is the thing that has brought me to my knees.  Problems caused by his disorder still continue to bring struggle and tears.  Years ago, it brought rage and rant toward God.  Sometimes, I still ask “why?”

When I first heard of the book, “The Shack”, I checked it out.   I’m not revealing anything about the book that isn’t on the cover, so I’ll tell you that it is the story of a man whose child is murdered, who gets an invitation from “God” to meet “God” at the place where his child was murdered.  I dropped that book like a hot rock.  I don’t read anything in which a child is hurt.  Particularly fiction.  Life is painful enough, I don’t need to read fiction about it.  But some Christian friends continued to recommend the book.  When I discovered a copy of the book on CD, I decided to try to listen to it.  It was hard to get through the first part of the book.  Particularly now, when the news is full of stories of exploited, missing and murdered little girls.  The things that can happen in this world are beyond sick. And it sickened me to think of what happened to the child in the story, and to realize that it really does happen in the world.  And I joined all the parents in the world who ask, or scream, “WHY?”

And then the father in the book meets “God”, and the healing begins.  I had to purchase my own copy of the book, and I read it with tissues and highlighter and journal.  Many is the time I’ve tried to discern the hand of a loving Father in my son’s life; when he has been hospitalized, arrested, jailed, institutionilized and injured.  When my son’s illness can cause so much pain in our family, and so many tears, and so many questions, I can certainly identify with the father in “The Shack” in his struggle.

The book blessed me.  Like the father in the book, I also have “father issues”, and I have found it hard to deal with the idea of God as a father.  I fell in love with the God that Mac met in the book.  Of course the book is fiction.  It is one man’s idea of God.  But this book offered new ways to look at my “God concept”.  I share my faith with other people, and they share their faith with me.  My life in an ongoing learning about the God I believe in, and I need the ideas of other people.  I need to stretch my mind beyond it own tiny reach.  I consider new concepts in the light of the Bible, and I didn’t find anything in “The Shack” that disagreed with Scripture.  It only enhanced it.

If, like me, you have asked or shouted, “Why!?!” toward the heavens, you won’t find an answer in “The Shack”.  But you may find peace.  And sometimes peace is enough.  And I can breathe again.

“If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.” 2 Chronicles 7:14

Lately, a lot of people in this country are feeling fearful about their futures.  Across the country homes have lost much of their value.  Many people have lost jobs, pensions, benefits or 401K’s.  What happened?!? There is certainly enough blame to go around.  Greed, selfishness, outsourcing, market manipulation, coveting, living on credit cards, buying what you can’t afford–there are endless reasons why this country has found itself in the state it is in.  Some would say that the chickens have come home to roost–that we have gotten ourselves just where we deserve to be.

I don’t see blame as being beneficial–it’s just hurtful.  Having gotten ourselves into this situation, what we need to do is figure out how to get out of it.  2 Chronicles 7:14 is a good place to start.  We, who consider ourselves to be “God’s people” are being told what to do–to humble ourselves, and turn from our ways, and to pray, and to seek God’s face.  Every one of us, no matter how “good” we are, continue to need the refinement of these practices.

I believe that God can do anything.  I believe that if enough people sought God’s face and God’s direction for their lives, and then did what God told them to do, we would pull out of this mess.  I believe that God has a better way.  I also believe that we cannot conceive of God’s method.  That is where we need to be humble when we seek God’s face and God’s wisdom.  And each one of us needs to be personally responsible for our own spiritual walk first, before we can expect any change in society.  2 Chronicles points the way.  We change, then God heals.

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The other day, one of my meditations lead me to the Ten Commandments.  As I thought on these rules for Good Orderly Direction,  I decided to meditate upon each commandment and make it personal for me, today.  This is what I came up with:

I AM THE LORD, YOUR GOD.

I AM,   I was,    I will be.

I AM all things,

I AM all ways.

I AM.

You shall have no thing more important than I AM.

You shall seek no path other than Mine.

You shall serve no purpose other than what honors ME.

You shall listen to no other voice.

You shall not take My Name or My Person lightly.

You shall not curse in My Name.

When you speak My Name, remember that I AM there.

Keep the Sabbath holy.

Offer this day to Me, and remember Me.

Gather and worship Me.

Refrain from any activity that would distract you from awareness of Me.

Honor your mother and father.

Respect the wisdom of those who have lived long.

Listen to them, and do not dismiss them.

You shall not murder.

You shall not kill the body.  You shall not kill the Spirit.

You shall not destroy or lay waste to the earth.

You shall care for your body and treat it respectfully.

You shall not commit adultery.

You shall not give up on your mate,

or look outside the relationship.

You shall do what encourages the growth of your relationship.

You shall not steal.  Not a penny, not a sip.

You shall not spend what you have not earned.

You shall not lie about your neighbor.

You shall not gossip.

You shall speak only to build up, not to tear down.

You shall be honest in all your affairs.

You shall be responsible for your actions.

You shall not covet.

You shall not envy what belongs to others.

You shall not be angry at what others have.

You shall care for what you have.

You shall share what you have, and be helpful and kind.

You shall keep your eyes on your own paper and be good.

So at mass today, I was thinking about what a hard time I have being good.  If I were to look at these commandments as a set of rules that I must remember and obey, I am overwhelmed.  But then I remember what the apostle Paul said when he thought of running the race of goodness, “Thank God for Jesus”.  (Romans 7:25)

And I pray that the Jesus that I love, Who loves me, will lead me through my days, and show me what I need to do.  Not through my own effort, but through His Grace.

The verse that many people use regarding tithing is Malachi 3:10:   “Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the LORD Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.”  (NIV)

Any good Christian or Jew knows about the concept of tithing: giving one-tenth of your income for good.  Most people give to their church or temple, and let that organization disburse the goods as is needed.

Many people are not comfortable with the idea of tithing.  “Ten percent!” they say, “I can’t afford to tithe.  I’m barely making it as it is.”  It is especially hard in this economy, with so many of our lives turned upside down.  No way can we afford to tithe.

I get that.  I’ve used the very same argument.  There is just not enough money to go around.  I mentally presented that argument every time a mention of tithing came to my consciousness.  There is just not enough money.

Year in, year out, there is just not enough money.  Never enough.

It took me a number of years until it occurred to me that maybe there was not enough money because I did not tithe.  Finally the day came when I was listening to a book on CD wherein the author was talking about how tithing turned his life around.  That same evening my husband was watching a television show about tithing.  I don’t need a house to fall on my head.  (Not quite.)  The next morning during my prayer time I made the decision to tithe my paycheck.  I must tell you, I made this decision with some trepidation.  I consider a promise to God a very serious undertaking—I don’t make a promise that I don’t intend to keep, and the idea of giving up 10 percent of my check was rather daunting.
When I got my next paycheck I cashed it and set aside 10 percent of it.  When I had my first $100 I wrote a check to Habitat for Humanity.  As I licked the envelope, I smiled.  It felt good.  From anxious to smiling in the time it takes to write a check.
I have given money in hundred-dollar increments to Habitat, to The Salvation Army, to The Red Cross, to my church, to food banks, to Cub Scouts, for water wells in Africa.
I believe that my job is a gift from God.  And as I’ve written checks, I’ve come to see that it is God’s money I am passing on.  Doing a good thing with God’s resources makes me feel like a useful worker in the Kingdom.

A number of weeks passed when it came to my attention that my self-employed husband had been rather busy lately.  He had sold an unusually high percentage of jobs.  And he was working through a season that was usually a down time.  Through what is becoming a very difficult financial time in this country we are doing ok.

During these hard financial times, I am passing along more than I ever have in my entire life.  I think about that.  What if each one of us, no matter what our state, passed on 10 percent of what we had?  Ten percent of our income—no matter how small that may be.  Or ten percent of our time.  Or ten percent of our talent.  Or ten percent of our “stuff”.  If each one of us passed on 10 percent of what was given to us, our states, our country, our world would not be in the terrible shape it is in.

In the second part of Malachi 3:10, God says, “Test me in this, and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.”  Get this, Children—almighty God is laying down a challenge to us—“Just see  if you can outbless Me!”

I encourage you to put your Creator to the test.  Share what has been given to you, and watch what happens!

Lately, I’d been feeling that my life was rather compartmentalized.  I didn’t feel that I allowed God equal access to all aspects of my life, and this was beginning to bother me.  I had been spending time with a meditation book by Joyce Rupp which was encouraging solitude.  Joyce had written that solitude helps us to see with greater clarity what needs to be emptied and what needs to be received.  I was beginning to feel a desire to spend some time alone on retreat.  Time spent apart in a quiet place, far from my usual routine may give me clarity and direction. 

I found a Retreat House where I could have a private retreat, and a priest would be available to me all three days.

Friday night I presented myself to the priest with open hands and open heart; hopeful that God would speak to me.  Much to my surprise, very shortly the focus of our conversation turned to my adult Autistic son.  I spoke of how, through the years I have had to take the ongoing pain and grief of having an Autistic child and put it in a mental box so as not to let it contaminate the rest of my life.  Father Bob said that I compartmentalize God as well.  That there is an old part of me that is still afraid and angry at God for allowing all the heartache that my son’s disability had caused our family. 

I was surprised that Fr. Bob could identify this so clearly.  ”I don’t get it myself,” I said to him.  “I stopped blaming God for Matt a long time ago.  I’m a Christian.  I know that God is love–he didn’t create Matt’s Autism.  I even got over the stumbling stone of accepting that God did allow Matt to be autistic, and that ultimately, good will come out of our pain . . . but I must confess that there still is a part of me that can’t seem to let go of being mad.  And afraid.  And I don’t get it.  I want to let go of it . . . but I can’t.”

We talked of many things that Friday night.  And I walked, and journaled and talked to God.  The next day after a long walk I met with Fr. Bob again and shared my journaling.  He said that I spend a lot of time thinking about God.  It was his feeling that I needed to spend some more time trusting God.  He gave me some things to read and to think about. 

I took another walk through the woods and had a conversation with God in that beautiful place.  I felt that God was saying to me,  “I love you.  I created you.  I knew you when you grew in your mother’s womb.  Before anyone knew there was a you,  I knew you.  I had a plan for you . . .

“And I love Matt.  I created him.  I knew him when he grew in your womb.  Before anyone knew there was  a Matt,  I knew him.  I had a plan for him . . .

“You have developed a habit  of being mad at Me for Matt.  The time has come for you to lay that habit to rest.  The time for anger is over.  Now is the time for trust.”

I have been blessed by the writings of Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D.  The book that I am currently reading (for the second time) is called “Kitchen Table Wisdom, Stories that Heal”.  Rachel sees life as a mystery to be lived.  She encourages us to have faith that there is an answer that will come in time.  That we are to relax around Mystery and to wait until wisdom is received.  And that when wisdom is received, we will never see things in the old way again.  

This is what happened to me that day in the woods when God told me that my anger at Him was a habit.  My son was born years before I was born again in Christ.  I had many years to bear the pain and the struggle alone.  Many years before I discovered the love and mercy of God.  And habits can become so familiar that we don’t even notice we have them, and like Paul, we “do the thing we do not want to do”.

When God told me that my attitude was a habit, it all made sense.  There is no understanding a habit.  There is no reasoning with it.  There is only awareness of the habit.  I had a little funeral for my habit that weekend on retreat.  On a piece of paper I wrote out my confession of my habit of sin, arrogance, anger and lack of trust toward God.  I went into a garden and buried my confession at the feet of a statue of Jesus.  And when I left that garden I left that habit.

Suffering, illness, is a mystery.  Healing is a mystery.  The older I get, the more content I am to live with Mystery 

I love Sarah Palin. As a Christian, I have always compromised my principles when voting. No person running for office had Christian character or principles. You’d hear them say something to the effect that while are Christian, they don’t force their religious views on their constituents, and then they vote pro-abortion. Someone once told me that you can’t be a Christian and be in politics, and it certainly looked that way.

Now, here comes Sarah Palin. A committed, uncompromising Christian who is willing to stand by her principles in the public venue. A married woman who has worked side-by-side with her husband. A mommy, taking the kids to soccer. A hunter! (She really does bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan!) A pro-life person who walks the talk. And sadly, the mother of a special child. I am the mother of an autistic son. I sadly welcome this sister into the world of special education, misunderstanding people, joy and tears, and advocacy. I do feel she is up to the challenge.

We can already see the scurulous attacks begin. And believe me, people, this is just the beginning. satan does NOT want this woman in office. America, as a country, has been sleep-walking straight into hell for a long time. This woman is a clarion call to Christians to stand up and be counted in the voting booth. Every Christian needs to be praying for the protection of her and her family. We can already see the beginnings of the assult.

And yet, I am energised. Because He Who is in us is greater than he who is in the world. My God can do anything! Look at David and Goliath. One person CAN make a difference.

Sara Palin could be the beginning of change in America. She could be the break in the dam that would let followers of Jesus take back this country for our future. I’m praying for her. For strength and protection. For grace and wisdom. And I am praying that she will be the beginning of change in this country.

I know just enough about yoga to be dangerous.  I’ve learned that by patient effort, I can find myself stretched into a pose I never could have acheived in one movement.  But more importantly, I’ve learned the value of breathing.

Through breath practice, I’ve discovered that when I am anxious, all my breathing is in my upper chest, spreading tension through my shoulders, arms, neck, and jaw.  The breaths are panting and shallow.                                                                                                The condition of my mind affects my body.  There is no peace.

I have learned to “belly breathe”–to consiously move the breath into the belly.  To relax the jaw, the shoulders, the chest; to breathe deeply and slowly.  

To breathe . . . ebb and flow, receive and release. To be aware that all of life is coming and going, arriving and departing, holding and letting go. And breathing through the whole process.

Nothing stays.  Ultimately, all things must be released.  And I must breathe through it all.

And the God who has set into being the automatic breathing in and breathing out of my body, is soverign over my life as well.

Breathe.

I believe in breathing.  ha ha.  Actually, as part of my spiritual search, I’ve read many books on meditation, and though I still have my “monkey mind”, I definitely have found value in breathing.  I have come to see that when I am anxious, I breathe short panting-breaths in my upper chest.  This breathing is accompanied by tight shoulders and neck. 

When I discover I am breathing in this fashion, I pause, straighten up; and begin deep, slow breaths; moving the breath into my belly.  After a couple minutes of this breathing, all the tension has gone out of my shoulders and neck; and I continue my day in balance.

I like to belly breathe when I pray.  It helps my mind expand.

The other day as I was sitting in my prayer chair, breathing; I reflected upon the story of the little fish asking the big fish where the ocean was, only to be told she was in it.

When I pray, I tend to reach outward toward my immense and limitless God.  But as I thought of the little fish, I remembered that I’ve been taught that within each of us is the divine spark of God.  So, God is within and without.  Like the little fish taking in the ocean, I breathe in God.  Creation comes to me on the inbreath.  But Creation is already in me through the divine spark; so when I breathe in, God comes to God; and when I breath out, God intermingles with God. 

I never liked the”In with the good air, out with the bad”.  I love the idea of God always with me, feeding my very cells with His energy, strengthening me, filling me. 

Now when I pause to become aware of my breathing, I am aware that God is always with me–deep within, and out to the fathomless reaches.

Awesome God.

“For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you . . .”             2 Timothy 1:6a

It is a wonderful and miraculous thing to see the Holy Spirit come alive in a person.  To watch a human mind open up to the possibility that there is something more than what can be seen and touched.  An awakening awareness that there is a whole new world that could open to us.   And it begins with a “yes”–a consent to the Divine.

I remind people that all Mary of Nazareth had to do was say “Yes!”, and God did the rest.  And nothing has changed.   We say “yes”, and the Holy Spirit becomes our guide and teacher, leading us to people or writings or ponderings that open up our spiritual minds in ways that we could never imagine. 

Much of my spiritual walk is an ongoing “Yes” to the working of God in my life– a giving-over of permission to God’s will.  I seek to fan the flame through spiritual readings and meditations; through Godly conversations, and through prayer.  But equally, I surrender to the mystery.  I consent to not knowing or understanding God’s way. I trust–and I pray for trust.

And it all unfolds.  The mysterious unfolding . . .